On my deathbed I found the meaning of my life
Life had always been confusing, disoriented, full of unanswered questions, and at various times, very depressive as well. I had been baptized since I was 10 days old, but for more than 10 years, attending mass was the most difficult thing for me to do, the first confession was also my last.Life was a matter of attaining the 5Cs, Career, cash, country club, condominium, car. This was the socially accepted way, study really hard, get ‘A’s at school, grab the best job and get married, hopefully retire by age 50. I strove hard to attain this. Working up the career ladder, I moved from my first job as a Junior Designer, and rose up to Art director within a few years. The job was glamorous and paid well. But the many late nights and working on weekends soon took its toll. There were also many occasions where I would spend several nights in the office trying to meet deadlines. Soon I lost touch with friends and family. I had become a workaholic. And I started asking the question “was I working to live or living to work?”
In the meantime, I was involved in one relationship after another, every boyfriend almost ended up in marriage, but no one quite worked out. I felt like a failure, every break up sent me deep in depression. Then, in 1999, I went to Australia, and there I was in a relationship with an Australian. He was tall, blond and handsome. We loved each other very much although we fought very often, we often reconciled immediately. However, after nearly one year, he wrote me a long email, telling me not to reply to his email, nor visit him, and he doesn't want to see me again. I was very shocked to read this. I thought to myself “what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? All I wanted was someone to love me and accept me as I am”
The more I read the email, the more angry, sad, disappointed I felt. Within a few days, I became very ill, and in fact for 3 days I couldn't eat, drink nor sleep properly. I was so sick, I could not even turn in bed. All I could do was cry and do nothing else. I knew within my body that I would not survive for many more days. I had no one to share this with, not my family, nor my friends, no one would understand what I was going through. It was then that I prayed to God for the first time in many years. I told him that I had not been a good Catholic and done too many things to deserve hell. After that I told him I was sorry for all the things I had done and this may be the last time I was going to pray, then I said ‘Amen’. A few seconds later, the phone rang… for nearly 10 mins, when I finally got to the phone, it was a priest whom I don't know. He was inviting me to a BBQ! However, I felt that this was God's very direct response to my prayer. He's hearing my prayer!!
Then Father proceeded to ask more about me and when I told him I'm not feeling well, he suggested that I go to a healing mass. I've not attended mass in years much less hear of a healing mass. Then Father proceeded to give me the directions to the church. I was supposed to take a train, then change platforms and take another train, then change to a tram and walk. In my delirious state I had not registered any of the instructions. After we hung up, I was filled with gratefulness. Is this real?
Then I told God that if he really wanted me to go this church he would have to wake me up in the morning. Because I would not be able to even set the alarm clock properly in this state of mind. That night I slept peacefully for the first time in many years. The next morning, I was awoken at 08:00:00 exactly! That was exactly one hour before the mass! I quickly brushed my teeth and got dressed. As I rushed to the train station, I realized that I didn't feel sick at all! I wasn't taking any medication during the 3 days, no food nor drink, and my body certainly did not feel weak at all! My mouth wasn't even parched. This was unbelievable, I was miraculously healed overnight.
When I arrived, I was still pleasantly surprised that I got there on time without remembering much of the instructions given by father.
At the huge church, there were only 2 rows of people seated right in the front pews. They were singing and their hands were raised and shaking. I thought this must be a healing mass for very sick people. I had no idea that it was a charismatic mass nor what charismatic means. I decided to sit at the last pew and leave if I felt uncomfortable.
As I knelt there, I was filled with a deep sense of peace and gratitude. All I could do was say ‘Thank you God’. It was then I felt a nudge on my arm, and a voice telling me ‘Get up and walk to the next pew’. I must be hallucinating since I hadn't eaten in days. But the voice kept ringing in my head and the nudge continued gently. I decided to open my eyes and saw that there was indeed someone seated there. Just minutes before, I was all alone at the back pew. I heeded the prompting and moved toward the old man seated there. When I reached him, I knew what I needed to say to him 'Uncle, God loves you very much'. At first he looked at me strangely, but when I repeated the message to him, there was a certain realization in his eyes. He let out a big cry later, and came over to tell me that he had been coming to this church everyday for the past 20 years and have been praying for his wife and son to return to church, and since nothing much has happened he told God that this would be the last time he would pray.
That brought me a lot of joy, and for the first time, I knew that my mission in this world is to reach out to others. Why was this happening to me, what did I do to deserve this love? And what unconditional love this is! Nothing I did in the past would merit this kind of love!
As I left the church, I felt so much joy in my heart. It felt like I was in love, but how can this be? I had just broken up with my boyfriend.
I lived the next few months in total happiness. On Cloud 9. I later heard this same voice telling me “Life in the Spirit”. Since I had no idea, I searched the internet and found out. I attended the LISS in 2000 in Singapore, then was invited to join the prayer group who helped organize the LISS. Later that year, I was invited to be part of the service team.
Now I am a full time missionary with the ICPE mission for 8 years (as of 2010). Life has never been the same since. And there's never a dull moment with God. There are also the usual struggles and trials of daily life, we are not immune to them, but now I am more able to face it with the strength that He gives to me. Father God has become more present in my life. And He IS always available 24/7.
