Playing music was the one thing that would motivate me out of my sick bed... when i was a young girl of 11. Practising 4 hours a day was the norm. It just had to be perfect. We loved the look of approval on Mr Wong's face. In our little minds, he was the best music teacher ever. But almost 10 long years later, other matters became more important. The Saturday dates. I love music, but at the time, I loved the boy even more. Priorities changed. I felt more and more guilty about skipping classes. My parents worked hard trying to pave a career path for me. I was to be a music teacher. But after so many years of training, they changed the rules, only those who have their ABRSM grade 8 can teach the organ. My hopes were dashed, my dreams shattered. I sank into depression. My parents didnt understand any of these technicalities and blamed it on the boy i hung out with. It was then that i stopped playing altogether. There was no future in it for me. They told me it could only be a hobby. Sure, a very expensive hobby it is.
15 years later, it still pains me whenever i hear the tinkering on the keyboards. I wished. I dreamt. I just had to let it go.
As i joined the mission, there came upon an 'opportunity'. The musician had returned to her native country. And the portable piano is just lying there in silence. After many many months, one quiet night, when everyone's in bed, i sneaked the keyboard out of its black box. I could only remember 4 chords and it sounded nothing like the concert pieces we were playing. No song came out. My heart twitched and if there is such a term, it turned sour. It hurt. Flashbacks of how good i used to be came rushing through. The warm tears streamed down uncontrollably. Something in my heart wants to return to my beloved music. But how could this be. No one else knew how to play, much less coach me back to where i was.
My only prayer was: God heal me of my pain.
Then the miraculous happened. Someone apparently heard me, and suddenly, everyone in my community is encouraging me to play.. though with only 4 chords (not even 4 keys).
Now, I'm grateful and happy to say I've been playing in the music ministry for the past 2 years and though still much to learn, i am enjoying every minute of it. Letting go of being technically perfect. And learning to worship more in spirit and in truth. It's a different motivation now and a higher calling. I thank all who have been supportive and kind in words. Brother Fritz and Diana, Auntie Stella, Vincent, Lynette, Esther Fong, Derek, Esther Yates and community members of ICPE India and Philippines. Thanks for the support, kind words, gentle pushes, opportunities, and prayers.
The strict musician within me seeks perfection, but worship seeks God. And only He is perfect. He demands no sacrifice, but a humble and contrite spirit.
6 comments:
Looks like you've been spammed. Shame it was on what was probably one of your best posts.
Keep up the good work and share your light with the world. :)
Hey . . . . .although I may not believe in a god per se. I loved this blog. I am musician, and have been since the ripe old age of two and a half, and no what its like to stop your much loved music, and to return to it again later.
It realises so much energy and tension, and makes you a much happier person. I'm glad you returned to it after all those years.
Keep it up girl!!
Theresa,
I hear the music coming through in your writing. It will come back to your fingers again. I read somewhere once that the only thing that keeps one from doing anything is the belief that she can't. I know that I write best when I don't let my head edit me.
Thanks for your sweet words tonight to me.
smiles,
me-Liz
I didn't know you can play the organ! Glad you're happy picking it up again.
I was just reading this once again, and how times flies, i've already been playing for 3 years and everytime, i am amazed at how my fingers are playing.
For all of you out there who are in the same boat as me, do not give up! He never gave up. Only thing to do is to be available. God bless
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